I consider boundaries to be the parameters we set regarding the behaviour and expectations that we will engage in and tolerate from our family, friends, romantic partner, work environment, and tribe (either from others towards ourselves and from ourselves towards others).
Boundaries are essential. Why do I really need them? Why are they that important?
Well, if you have ever found yourself overworked, exhausted, overwhelmed, lacking in self-care, resentful, always doing more for others than you receive in return, feeling powerless, frequently sad or mad, perhaps even being treated in disrespectful ways, and wanting to run away to escape it all, you likely did not have healthy boundaries in place.
The purpose of boundaries is to help us navigate relationships in a healthy way where our values are respected, and our overall wellness and self-respect are taken into consideration. Boundaries are essential for achieving work-life balance. They are critical to our mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health, promoting our overall well-being and sense of self-worth.
One can have essential boundaries in one area of life but not in another. For example, you may have good boundaries in your romantic relationship and with family, however not at work. A potential scenario could be that you do not want to jeopardize your job or a possible future promotion, therefore agree to work late most evenings (without extra pay) rather than going home to your family. There is a personal cost to this.
On the other hand you might have healthy boundaries at work but not with your extended family who expects your presence at all times including a number of commitments from you. After all that is how it has always been. They don’t want to have their little world changed hence they are not willing to honor your current life circumstances and choices. Once again, what is this costing you? Is it your wellness and joy?
Unfortunately for most, especially women, we were never taught that healthy boundaries are essential; never taught that we have the right to say:
- N0 ( in case no one has told you that word is in and of itself a complete sentence) !
- I am not comfortable doing that..
- I am not comfortable with that situation …
- I don’t have time to help you with…
- I cannot do everything you are asking, but I am willing to…
- I need time to myself
- This isn’t working for me; I need to talk with you about…
Boundaries, the lack of them or ones that are too rigid have deep roots. Learning about them started in childhood by what you observed and experienced. The word “Boundary” was probably never used in your household let alone explained, and even less likely that you were taught how to set one. The first time you heard about boundaries may have been when you found yourself in a crisis of sorts.
Growing up, far too many heard voices utter words to the likes of:
- Because I told you so
- You have no right to…
- Oh, that’s nothing, stop whining
- Just be quiet.
Your feelings, emotions and ideas may have been repeatedly ignored, discounted, diminished and squashed. Perhaps you started people pleasing to keep the peace or simply to feel safer.
Depending on what you experienced as a child and as a teen you may have become overly responsible for everyone else; putting everyone’s needs before yours. You may have gone so far as to deny your own needs and believe that you shouldn’t ever put yourself first or couldn’t ever ask for help. You may have picked up the false belief that whatever went wrong was your fault, therefore you had to make it all better.
Later in your work place you may have repeatedly heard:
- I need you to do (fill in the blank) because you are the only one who really knows how (or told some other reason that wasn’t 100% truthful)
- I am really counting on you, don’t let the boss/company down
- You have got to work late tonight; we need this by the morning.
You may have received various forms of guilt tripping, been gas lit and manipulated.
As you can see boundaries are a tricky thing. They sound different and look different depending on the context. We tend to feel more comfortable setting boundaries in areas of life where we are more at ease, more confident, and where we do not fear the potential backlash of setting boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries are a work in progress. They don’t magically appear overnight without some trial and error. That is normal so do not berate yourself.
Instead, just sit with yourself for a bit and see where you are feeling stuck and spinning your wheels. Ask yourself a few simple questions:
- What do I need to say No to?
- What do I need so I can feel physically, emotionally, or mentally better?
- What will it cost me if I do not change anything?
Reach out to someone you feel is trustworthy and share your feelings with the intention to find a solution. Start with something that is of a smaller nature, not as scary, and doesn’t feel so anxiety provoking. Share one of your needs (ex. Self-care) with someone who is likely to get it and will encourage you to make yourself a priority.
If you want to gain clarity around your boundaries or lack of them, I invite you to…
Click Here To Schedule Your Free Clarity Session
Lynette guides and supports smart hardworking women who, despite their efforts, feel trapped and unfulfilled, always striving but never quite achieving their desired changes. Her approach blends both analytical/logical (left brain) and creative/intuitive (right brain) perspectives and processes, allowing for tangible concrete results.
Drawing from over 16 years of dedicated spiritual exploration; learning from diverse programs, and achieving international accreditation in Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) – Lynette offers a practical framework for empowerment. Visit https://transformationstartswithin.com/acknowledgements-references/ to learn more within Acknowledgements and References.