Self-Sabotage

Which outdated stories are you unconsciously keeping alive in your head that allow you to feel safe, yet are likely keeping you stuck in some way?

Months ago, I realized I still had some of those limiting scripts running through me—scripts accompanied by beliefs, attitudes, and behavior patterns that needed to go if I was going to take the next step in following my purpose.

As Brené Brown wisely said, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” Recognizing and addressing these limiting scripts is a courageous act that can pave the way for genuine progress and self-discovery.

Definition:

If you Google the definition of self-sabotage, you’ll find something like: Doing something or not doing something because we are out of our comfort zone, as one part of us doesn’t feel safe. Self-sabotage can be triggered by fear, anxiety, feelings of vulnerability,  or a lack of self-esteem.

I have come to understand self-sabotage as an emotional pushback where two aspects of oneself are in conflict: one part wanting and working to achieve the desired outcome, and another part having a very good reason for not wanting the goal; a hidden component unbeknownst to us.

As Elizabeth Gilbert mentioned, “Fear is always triggered by creativity because creativity asks you to enter into realms of uncertain outcome.” This inner conflict often holds us back from achieving our goals. When we step out of our comfort zone, fear and anxiety can trigger self-sabotaging behaviors as a way to keep us safe.

Understanding Self-Sabotage

The part that doesn’t want the goal is perhaps trying to protect you. One could say that self-sabotage is a self-protective mechanism that a part of you has bought into—although it’s not helpful and potentially costly on many fronts.

The part of us holding on to this self-protective mechanism, which served us earlier in life, doesn’t want to see us get hurt or harmed in a familiar way again. So, in order to move past the sabotage, it is important for this fearful part of us to feel seen and acknowledged. That part of us needs to be heard.

These self-protective behaviors leading to our self-sabotage are based on stories a younger version of us told itself; from these stories, core beliefs were born that we bought into as truths, although they are not. Hence, one reason our beliefs need to be re-examined periodically.

Self-sabotage is normal, and most people experience it at one time or another. Know that really successful creative types—the likes of Elizabeth Gilbert, Seth Godin, Brené Brown—have also experienced this destructive behavior and needed to deal with it to rise to their next level of self-actualization.

What It Looks Like

Self-sabotage has many faces and angles. It can be disguised in many ways, including caring and doing for others.

Personally, self-sabotage has played out in various areas of my life: work, relationships, and finances. At times it looked like:

• Staying in a relationship past its expiry date
• Letting my inner critic get way too loud
• Overpaying for certain goods to feel a sense of security
• Listening to my head when making financial decisions rather than my gut/intuition
• Working too many hours without appropriate rest and play, taking on more responsibilities that were not mine
• Saying Yes when I should have said No
• Taking on more tasks than I could realistically get done
• Doing administrative tasks instead of delegating and focusing on work that would yield more significant results

Procrastination, consciously or unconsciously, can also be a form of self-sabotage. A word of caution here: Sometimes we think we are procrastinating, but in reality, we are not. It is our body and/or soul telling us it is time to gestate and integrate what has recently played out; to take time for a pause. It is important to discern the difference.

What Holds Us Back

Self-sabotage can be tied to our sense of worthiness:

• Do we believe we deserve good things to come our way?
• Can we allow more goodness into our life—whether it be fun experiences, relationships, work opportunities, material goods, or financial possibilities?

For me, it generally comes down to perfectionism and feeling like I am “not good enough yet.”

• Fear being vulnerable when putting out something I have created myself
• Feeling like I need to take one more course or program, read one more thing, listen to one more video/podcast/interview before I have enough information

I might not be running to the freezer for a pint of ice cream when feeling anxious or stressed, but my brain certainly taps into “let’s get more information”—hence more distraction and wasted time.

Impostor Syndrome

Sometimes, when we have capacity in an area and do something that comes naturally and easily, we start to believe that everyone can do the same or wonder why they aren’t. The thing feels easy for us, yet not for them because it isn’t their gift. It is ours, and we are meant to share it.

The Costs of Self-Sabotage

At times, self-sabotage is short-lived; at other times, it lasts longer, usually dependent on the stakes at hand. Self-sabotage frequently rears its head the closer we get to our desired outcome, one reason being that our fearful, doubt-filled, less confident parts try one more time to keep us safe, yet instead keep us stuck.

“Ship it! Done is better than good.” —Seth Godin

Some of the costs I have experienced are:

• Missed opportunities
• Time wasted
• Energy drained
• Increased stress and anxiety
• Financial loss
• Limited joy and life satisfaction

Just as self-sabotage can appear in varied forms, its costs are varied—from small to huge and everything in between.

I invite you to take a moment and see if you can name three personal costs you have experienced due to sabotaging behaviors. Reflect on how these behaviors might have prevented you from reaching your goals. As Seth Godin wisely said, “You don’t need more time, you just need to decide.” What decisions have you delayed due to self-sabotage, and how has this impacted your progress? Identifying these costs can be the first step towards overcoming them and moving forward.

The Key to Moving Through Sabotage

The key is to look below the surface to see which emotions, scary feelings, memories, and/or traumatic experiences are lurking there, creating havoc on our current life experience.

Once we understand why self-sabotage is happening, it is important to move it through and out of our body. Doing so doesn’t mean it will never show up again, but for now, acknowledging and providing this part of us with what it needs to feel safe is crucial to pressing onward toward our desired outcome.

We can certainly do some of this work on our own. However, when it is challenging to hold both perspectives—that of the self-saboteur and that of the wise self—it serves us well to seek support.

If you are feeling stuck, remember the answers are within you, and I’m here to help you uncover them. Let’s connect and find the clarity you need together.

 

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