Are you Stuck Striving and Never Quite Arriving? Are you feeling like you need to prove your worth? If I say the words “Perfectionist and perfectionism” do, they resonate with you?
Perfectionist tendencies were my Achilles heel for decades, and like a bad computer virus frequently ran rampant across all areas of my life and haunted me. I can see it all very clearly now, but I couldn’t when I was in the midst of it.
The irony is that I never thought I was a perfectionist. When mentors or coaches dare mentioned that I was a perfectionist, I would get triggered, irritated, and denounced the label. After all they didn’t know me that well. Or did they?!? In my mind, how could I be a perfectionist when I could see my mistakes and never felt what I did was quite good enough.
The inner dialogue ran something like: “I could have gotten more done. I should have done it sooner and achieved a better outcome. If only I had worded my group contribution differently or more eloquently. ” The litany of should haves, could haves, and if only was a mile long. And if perchance I was a perfectionist, would I not already be getting better results, feeling more fulfilled, and feeling safer?!?
Eventually, being a perfectionist was no longer just a nagging doubt, I could see the truth of it. Yuck! Now what? Somehow as a young girl, like many others, I had bought into the belief that if I did everything perfectly enough, behaved and interacted with others just perfectly enough, cared for others perfectly enough, and worked enough hours perfectly enough, that I would be emotionally and physically safe, and that life would roll along just fine. Well, that is not how it was playing out, yet it never stopped me all those years, from being seduced by perfectionism’s so-called charm, as a worth while protective mechanism. I recognized that even after following society’s rules and other people’s expectations to my own detriment, I still was not achieving what I yearned for.
Signs that I was a perfectionist…
- overextending myself to please others
- always making other people needs a priority over my own
- double and triple checking things to make sure I hadn’t forgotten or omitted something
- overly preparing for the work or event ahead
- life was all work and little play
- I was not at peace with myself
- too frequently apologizing and making things my responsibility even if things weren’t
- organizing events and things to the minute, reverse engineering events to never be late or God forbid keep someone waiting for a few minutes.
Far from being the virtue that I believed it to be, striving for perfection was hugely unhealthy and was forever out of reach. The stress of my habits robbed me of my health and left me depleted. I was not able to appreciate the simple joys of life on a regular basis.
I may not have always been a perfectionist at the ego level but darn it, if it wasn’t on an ego level, it was there on a soul level. When I could no longer deny the truth and started seeing just how webbed and deep this perfectionism ran, it was an AHA moment of epic proportion. The rug had been pulled out from under my feet; I could see that aspect of myself more clearly, or should I say feel her more deeply. In that moment, a part of me just wanted to drop in a heap and sob, as the varied costs of the perfectionism came crashing on the screen of my mind.
Now perfectionism shows up in different ways for different folks and with it comes a variety of traits, actions, and consequences. Before long, I was seeing that the financial situation I found myself in was mostly due to my perfection tendencies. I had made poor decisions; spent money to perfect myself, spent too much money to make things perfect for others, spent money on more expensive products because I believe they would allow me to make things more perfect; by now you get the picture.
Next came the painful realization that I had missed out on a lot of joy and fun. The fact that I was always striving to be and do better meant I could not enjoy the moment. I had spent way too many hours working with not enough time for play, to have fun and just be. That was a tough one to swallow as you cannot regain lost time.
I also had not believed people when they complemented me or praised my work. I thought they simply wanted something more from me because after all I did not see myself as deserving that praise yet. Instead, I sold myself short. That cost me in missed opportunities, promotions, and pay raises. Reality was if I could not see my worth and what I brought to the table, how could they. Dang!
At that point, I really just needed time to soak in these new moments of consciousness. It was time to show myself some much-needed self-compassion.
With time, as I unpacked this bundle of perfectionism, I could see how it had originated as a child, way before my 10th birthday. Somehow like many young girls I picked up the belief that I needed to work hard to prove my worth, in order to gain love and approval.
However, the so called protective mechanism of perfectionism was way past its expiry date, and it was time to let it go for a new way of being. All this awareness led me to take a hard look at my trust issues; they were all related to the perfectionism. Until then I had often looked to the externals for my answers, thinking others knew better than I did.
As I worked through this piece of my being, I came to know that women frequently tend to make shame meaning – that whole notion of I Am not Enough, and they blame themselves for things that are not theirs to take on. Furthermore, as I was shedding the layers of perfectionism, I could see a deeper layer. That layer consisted of holding myself back from being all I could be. I had spent far too many years playing small.
I also had to admit there had been lots of judgments in my head weaved in between the layers. At times this judgment was directed at myself, being overly self-critical, and other times it had been directed at those I interacted with. It had become a cycle of being the watched or watcher. This was all due to the fears I had.
As hard as it was to admit and as uncomfortable as the whole process was, there was no other way but to move through it, one step at a time. We cannot go over, underneath or around our personal energy leaks, we need to move through them to heal them.
I eventually came to see and know that my safety, our safety, comes from within, and for that reason it is critical that we cultivate three areas of relationship: the primary relationship being with ourselves, next comes the relationship with the Universe/ a higher power – however we see the bigger picture of life, and thirdly our relationship with others.
Today, I am comfortable in my skin, and I am grateful for everything perfectionism taught me and brought to my life; pain and all. I am grateful for all the wisdom I gained, including the ability to pay attention to details, the high standards I have for myself (but no longer impossible ones), the time, energy, and patience I can put into a project and my ability to persevere when needed. Most importantly, I understand and help other women save themselves time, money, and energy by taking them through processes to wind down their perfectionism and ramp up healthier, more fulfilling ways of being – finally arriving at a place where they Feel and See themselves as:
I AM ENOUGH!!
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Lynette guides and supports smart hardworking women who, despite their efforts, feel trapped and unfulfilled, always striving but never quite achieving their desired changes. Her approach blends both analytical/logical (left brain) and creative/intuitive (right brain) perspectives and processes, allowing for tangible concrete results.
Drawing from over 16 years of dedicated spiritual exploration; learning from diverse programs, and achieving international accreditation in Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) – Lynette offers a practical framework for empowerment. Visit https://transformationstartswithin.com/acknowledgements-references/ to learn more within Acknowledgements and References.